changes.

I wrote this last night…but fell asleep before I could post it. =/  Obviously the holiday took its toll on me.

————————-

My thoughts are all jumbled in my head.  It’s been one of those days filled with lots of small but very meaningful things, as most holidays are these days.

As graduation draws closer, (not as close as it is for others since I won’t be graduating with my class in May, but will instead be graduating next December) I’ve been starting to look at what I’d like to be doing after graduation…and where I’d like to live.  And, as much as I love my family, I think I’ve known for a long time that I won’t be returning to the islands any time soon after graduation.  First, because I don’t think I’ll be able to find a job here on the islands without some great experience that could be gained on the mainland first.  Second, living on the mainland is waaaay cheaper.  Third, I love living on the mainland, I love the differences and the freedom.  See, I’ve known these reasons for a long time…even before I changed career paths.  But I think the realization that the time for the follow-thru of these actions is drawing nearer has me in a panicked state.

“Soak it in,” Aunty Yoshie said to me tonight.  “You don’t have many more of these left if you stay on the mainland.  Your job might not let you come back.”

WHAT?!!  Of course she must be joking, I thought to myself.  Nope.  I thought about graduation next December… Nope, she’s right.  I graduate (hopefully) in less than a year now.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life on the mainland.  But my heart….my heart will always leave a part of itself here on the islands.  It hurts to even think about leaving at the end of this break.  I love my family…all the cousins..aunties..and uncles…my two grandmothers.  Tonight just struck that home even more.  I’m going to miss all of this if I can’t make it home for Christmas every year?  Missing that announcement (when it comes, because I know it will) from Nolan and Shanna saying they’re expecting their first child….Missing that time with Grams, because she is getting older.  Missing the shared laughs with my cousins as we reminisce about all the time we used to spend at Grams’ when we were growing up.  Missing the yearly visits with Grandma Lee.  All those small, but meaningful things life throws our way.

Is it worth it?  …yes.  Yes, yes, and yes.  I’d like to believe that.  I have to right now.

Such sad thoughts on such a happy holiday.  It just reminds me more and more of what Ms. Aimee always tells me…”No one said growing up was easy, it’s hard.”

On that note, I hope everyone had a great Christmas!  =D  Enjoy your holidays!!

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